


Love is not just a four-letter word

by Centum



Category: Star Wars: The Old Republic
Genre: M/M, SWTOR, malavai quinn - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 05:12:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5572291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Centum/pseuds/Centum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After finishing my male-Sith Warriors storyline I was full of "what ifs". What if Malavai Quinn and Emperor's Wrath were lovers? What would happen after his betrayal? How would my Wrath be in a relationship? What would Malavai do when he failed? How would they feel? All those "what ifs" are in this story. Two chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Emperor's Wrath:**

I throw him to the wall. Then to the floor. From there I lift him up back to the wall and begin to choke him slowly. He doesn't fight back. He doesn't make a sound. He is like a lamb waiting to be butchered and already lost all hope. I keep choking him and the hate in me roars and burns. Hate is a red flame growing brighter and brighter around me. I'm going to kill him, and I will do it slowly. I want to hear how bones in his neck finally give up and break. I want to hear the cracking sound of his death.

Then a soft voice inside me reaches up, making me  see what I'm doing.

_You love him. What kind of a person kills something he loves?_

He can't breath and he has lost his consciousness. In shock, I let go of the Force and him and he falls to the floor like a pile of rags. He doesn't move. My God, did I kill him, did I? Please, Malavai, please...I run to him and fall onto my knees next to him. Please...I can't live with myself if I killed you.

**Idiot. He betrayed you. He said he loved you and look what he did. It was all just a ploy to get to you. Kill him now! Choke him! Rip him to shreds with your bare hands! Let the blood paint these walls with his betrayal!**

I turn him carefully around and finally he coughs. I lift his head with one hand and stroke his black hair with the other. I see small drops of blood in the corners of his mouth. I bend down and kiss the drops away. "I'm sorry Mal, I'm so sorry I hurt you..." I whisper to him. He opens his dark blue eyes and I can see the desperation and horror in them.

I told him I love him, not so long ago. By saying so, I promised to myself to protect him and take care of him. And this is how I fulfil that promise. By trying to kill him.

He is struggling to stand up and pushes me away when I try to give him a hand.

"Please, my Lord, don't..." He whispers, with a voice so tiny I can barely hear him. He crawls away from me.

**You still have time to kill him. Kill him! Are you going to let the world see what a failure you are? You let yourself be fooled by "love" and now you can't even do what has to be done to erase this failure from the world! Look at him! He doesn't deserve his life. Take it!**

I know that voice. It is a voice of the Dark Side. My side. But I made a decision years ago: I will not be a slave. I will not be pushed around even by the Force. The Force is my servant, not the other way around. I will serve the Emperor, not the Force. The Force is a tool to be used. I am the hand using that tool for the good of the Imperium.

Malavai manages to stand up, and without even a glance at me he leaves the hall. I have no strength left, but I stand up with legs that are shaking. I fetch my saber from the other side of the hall where I threw it in a rage. My heart aches. The pain is physical. Every breath I take makes the knife in my heart go deeper. There is nothing more left to do but to accept the situation. This is what I have now. A broken heart and no dignity. But deep inside me there is a bright spark of knowing that I did the right thing _._

When I get back to the ship, I find Vette waiting for me there.

"Captain Quinn asked me to take the ship to the nearest orbital station when you arrive, but really, I'm not doing it before you tell me so! Something is wrong. Did you two have a fight? I think he is packing his things in his cabin. What the hell is going on in here and why don't you tell me anything?" She demands to know. Vette is nervous. We should be on our way to Corellia and the crew is falling apart. What can I say?

 **Tell her the truth, you weak moron! Tell her that your toy boy sold you to Baras and you didn't even have the courage to make him pay for it! He was your enemies lackey all this time** **and you were too stupid to even notice!**

"Do as he told. If he wants to leave, he is allowed to do so."

Vette doesn't give up so easily. That Twi'lek is too stubborn for her own good. She grabs my arm and continues pestering me. Finally, I have to promise I will talk to her about it, in private, when Malavai is safely out from the ship. I have zero intention to fulfil that promise. She settles with that and I can leave her and go to my cabin. For a moment I stop behind Malavai's door. There is just that door separating me from him. Just that one door. I could easily force it open. But I won't. I have done enough damage for one day. Still, I press my palms against the door and imagine him moving in there, gathering his things, carefully folding his clothes.

"You don't have to go", I whisper.

But I know he has to. He doesn't want to face me after I almost killed him. He can't go back to Baras after he failed in killing me, but staying with me must be an even worse option. I don't know where he will go. Maybe he doesn't know it either. He just wants to get away from me. I understand him. I will let him go without questions. As I said before, I have done enough damage for one day.

In my cabin I fall down to my bed. The darkness folds around me like a comforting blanket. You would think a person can't sleep with this much pain, but sleep is my only relief. So I sleep. In my dreams I'm with him. Nothing bad has happened to us. I take him to see the apartment which I bought for us in Dromund Kaas. He loves it just as much I knew he would. In my dreams he laughs with me when I kiss him in my bed, giving his body to me. In my dreams we fight together again, I am slashing and tearing with saber and Force, he shoots with deadly aim, making sure I'm always healed. In my dreams he is again by my side, taking care of everything without me even noticing it. Never asking anything for himself.

When I wake up, for a moment I don't remember what has happened. And then it hits me with all its might and I fall back to the bed in exhaustion.

**Serves you right, you fool! What kind of an idiot doesn't understand that his wasn't the last pretty butt in the galaxy and acts like a fucking damsel? Try to man up! Grow a pair!**

**He betrayed you. Can't you see it? He used you and laughed at you behind your back with Baras. He didn't love you. It was all a lie to make you weak. Love is an illusion, just a lie to make fools like you to lower your guard. He succeeded, now didn't he? He couldn't kill you but now you are a wreck. Easy to destroy.**

Yes. That might be true.

_No, it is not that simple. He had to betray the very person he loves. Try to think why he did that and..._

Lying on my bed, I let the truth sink in. He betrayed me. We had a relationship, one I thought was made out of respect, trust and yes, even love. It was all my delusions. It was all a lie. He betrayed me. There was never trust in our relationship because he was not the person I thought he is. I believed in him, but he knew something I didn't. He knew the whole relationship was just a ridiculous lie. He manipulated me.

I feel sick to my stomach, and the pain in my heart moves permanently in.

* * *

Days go by, then weeks and months. The Emperor's hand unleashes the Emperor's Wrath and I go where I'm told to. I spread havoc where it is needed and save what has to be saved. My crew is missing one person, but I refuse to even talk about it.

Finally, I kill Baras. Victory has a bitter taste.

When I lie on my bed waiting for the relief of falling into the sleep, I unconsciously wait for a silent knock on my door. I wait him to tiptoe to my bed, lift the blanket and come next to me. When I walk to the flight deck I expect to see him there, all concentrated on weaving algorithms and equations. When I stand there, staring at the empty void filled with stars, I almost can feel his warm hand slipping into mine. If I really try I can smell his scent in the air.

I feel bad, and it is his fault. I'm almost obsessed with my need to blame him for my misery. I hate him when I wake up, and I hate him when I go to sleep. I go around snapping and sulking to my crew, which is already under pressure, and doing extra work because we are missing one person. I gave that man _myself_ , I gave him _my heart,_ and how did he repay me? By betraying me! I have every right to blame him about – well, everything!

Finally Vette has enough and demands I tell her what happened. I promised it half a year ago, now didn't I? So we sit down and I unleash all my anger, my hate, my resentment. She listens to me when I blurt out how much I hate and despise Quinn, how he betrayed me, and how his betrayal is now making all of us to suffer. How it pains me not being a man enough to kill him for it.

After I finish, all agitated and riled up, Vette is sitting in a silence for a moment before she begins to speak:

"Have you ever tried to step into his shoes?"

"Of course I have! He is an opportunist who used and manipulated me. That's all!" I yell.

"No. You haven't. All I hear is " _me, me, me_ ". You and your wounded ego. Stop being such a child! Are you really so innocent yourself? You really believe he planned all this, like..."Lord Baras, I have a fantastic idea, how about I take his dick in my mouth, just to make a thorough job?" You really believe Malavai planned to lure you in a relationship? And yes, he backstabbed you. Here I thought it was a favourite hobby of all the Imperials. Your personal life is none of my business, but at least stop acting like a child and look at your own behaviour too".

After saying that Vette leaves me alone without even a look on my general direction.

I can feel the truth in her speech.

**She is a lying bitch and a thief. Probably slept with Quinn too.**

_No, listen to me. She said that because she is your true friend and wants your best. She doesn't want you to suffer, and she believes only you can end your suffering. Do you want to be like this for the rest of your life?_

When I saw Malavai Quinn for the first time I decided I need to bed him. Preferably several times. He had the most beautiful blue eyes and a body that made me tingle from want. He was a strikingly beautiful being. But he was not an easy prey. Oh no! He refused me for a year. A year! During that year I learned to respect him, his professionalism and his intelligence. We became friends. I stopped pestering him about sleeping with me and instead just spent time with him. And then...one evening we had a few bottles in my cabin, maybe few too many, and when I placed my hand on his thigh he didn't pull away. Instead he placed his hand on top of mine. I realised my moment had come and I kissed him, and he kissed me back. He became my lover.

So who seduced who? I pressured him so long he finally gave up. He didn't want to have a relationship with me, but he found himself in one. And after that, he fulfilled my every wish and whim. I took him for granted, because I was a Lord of the Sith and above him. He was a loyal Imperial to the bone and looked up to every Sith. Especially me. So...wasn't it me who took the advantage of him?

I...think I used him. I never asked him what he wanted. For me it was given he wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it. But...I loved him. I did! I just...never knew what to do with it. I thought the whole “love”-thing was there to make _me_ happy, and his happiness was his own problem.

I was so selfish. During the whole relationship I was utterly selfish. I only cared about my wants and needs. He never refused me after he became my lover, and sometimes I definitely went too far with my demands, just to see if he would submit. He did. Because he loved me. And when I told him I love him, did I do it just to rub my ego, didn't I enjoy saying it because it sounded so nice in my own ears? Wasn't it noble to think I will "protect him because I love him?" It's so easy to say the words, but to live them is a whole different thing. The one and only time he made clear to me that he is a person on his own right, he has his own ambitions and dreams...made me almost kill him. He grew up in the Imperium where every day the Sith ruthlessly hunt each other. We kill, we plot and we backstab so much it endangers the whole Empire, so how can I blame him for being just like we are?

**There is no love. There is no peace. There is only passion.**

_You love him, you know it. It is the glow in you when you think about him. When you think about his whole being. It is the flutter in your stomach when you remember his smile. His laugh. His touch. His scent. It is love. Love made you to save him, and love made you to let him go._

_Try to step in his shoes._

In his shoes I would have done exactly the same thing and even worse. I was born as a pure blooded Sith, I was strong in the Force. I knew I was exceptional. The doors have always been open to me. He had to fight for everything. He had to earn everything with his intelligence and determination. He wanted to be something. He couldn't trust me to give him what he needed.

I just miss him so terribly. It has been easier to blame him for everything and let the rage numb my longing for him. Maybe it is time for me to face myself.

I miss him so much because I truly love him.

  



	2. Chapter 2

**Malavai Quinn:**

I'm not the man I used to be. What I did to him changed me for good.

I was so sure he will kill me, because I failed in killing him. Like I even had a chance! And then I had to hide from Baras, who surely would have killed me for failing my mission. I have a childhood friend who now lives in Hoth and he was nice enough to hide me for three months. Then the news arrived: The Emperor's Wrath had killed Baras. I could stop hiding.

So I arrived to Dromund Kaas and now I just try to make a modest living while learning to live with myself again.

At least I get to do what I do best: Calculate and analyse. I do it now on the private sector, and in much lesser scale than before. My employer offers services for several corporations. Fate of the many doesn't depend on my calculations anymore. Before what I did to him, I wouldn't have even looked at a job like this. Now it is perfect for me. Numbers are comforting. They are predictable and trustworthy. They never lie.

My drive, my ambition, my career...my delusions. A mirage I run after, and I was never quite there. I never felt I was good enough. And then Baras showed me a way to be truly something. To be truly noted. He offered me a place by his side. I would be his Supreme Commander. That was more than any non-Sith in the Imperium could ask for. It was too good to be true. I closed my eyes from the inevitable failure and accepted the offer because I owed him. He was very skilful in reminding me of my debt to him.

Loving Wrath was never in my calculations. It just happened.

But I loved him with all my heart, and I still do. I miss him every day, and every day I wish I would have been honest with him. If I had just told him about Baras from the day one and asked him to help me to get rid of the deal, he would have helped me. He helped us all when we had problems. He is that kind of a person. But every time I tried, I just couldn't say the words. Then I couldn't resist him anymore and I gave up to him. I thought: "Malavai, one time doesn't hurt you or him and what he doesn't know definitely doesn't hurt him. Yet." But of course it wasn't just one time. I became his lover.

After that telling was impossible. Every time I decided I will do it, fear paralysed me. Fear of losing him. Fear of what he would do to me.

He was my first. I don't mind if he will be my last too. If what we had was “a relationship,” I don't mind living without one. Not to mention that I still love him, and I probably always will.

The torment I found myself in was unbearable. I still don't know how I managed to divide my mind in two the way I did. One half of me was his lover, and the other half was plotting and planning his demise. It turned me into a total nervous wreck. I still wonder how he didn't notice anything, how he didn't notice that I barely slept or ate, or that I was never really present. And still, I can honestly say I love him. That love and my loyalty to the Imperium combined with my ambition tore me apart and I was slowly loosing my mind.

When he didn't kill me, I knew I had to get out because I didn't know who I am anymore.

I'm not so sure if I know who I am even now, but I have learned that I am not the person I believed I am. In my mind everything was planned so well: Get to the top of my career, serve the Imperium, and finally, in some distant future, marry and have two children. Be an example to every non-Sith human in the Imperium.

In reality my career was based on a lie. I didn't know who or what I'm serving anymore, and I fell in love with a man - and then I betrayed him. I'm a bad example to anyone.

Now I'm just Malavai Quinn, whatever that means. It is enough for me because it has to be enough. If I'm not enough for myself, I can never be enough for anyone else. Endless demands and expectations will drive me crazy again. No. This is my life now, and I take every day as it comes. I don't worry about where I will be tomorrow, or next year, or even ten years after that. Being here doing what I do now, is just as good as being somewhere else doing something else.

The things that made me reach for the moon simply don't matter anymore. It is not worth it. It is not worth it if you have to sell your soul, tear your heart apart and betray someone you love.

I can't change the past, but I'm the one who decides what kind of a person I am in the future.

* * *

I'm standing next to my desk, concentrating in finding an error in some quarterly report. I was told there is an error somewhere, it doesn't match. Of course it is not my report, if it would be it would match. Suddenly I startle and the holopad falls from my hands to the floor. To my shock I hear a familiar voice:

"I heard Malavai Quinn might be working here. Is this true?"

It is him. I would know that calm, soothing voice anywhere.

"Yes, he is...eh...my Lord. Do you want me to find him for you?" My employer is wary.

"Could I lend him for an hour, I need to speak with him. If he is willing, that is."

I walk to the door.

"I am here, my Lord. You wish to speak with me?"

He is just as formidable and handsome as he has always been. His yellow eyes sparkle in the light when they are searching for me, and when he finally finds me he smiles.

"Malavai...Vette found you. Can you spend a few moments with me, please?" Suddenly he looks in his feet, like he would be very insecure with himself. I have never seen him like that.

I swallow the lump from my throat and answer:

"I...think I can."

I fetch my coat and we leave. My employer doesn't say anything. No one in sane mind would resist the request of a Sith.

We are walking for a moment in silence and I really don't know what to say. Sometimes I have imagined what I would say if I met him by accident, but now when he really is next to me, my mind is blank. I realise we are heading towards a taxi.

"Where are we going?" I have to ask when we go into the taxi.

"Just before you...left me, I bought an apartment from Kaas-city. This is the first time I'm staying there." He makes a small, apologizing gesture with his hand and then continues:

"I...thought it was a good place to talk...if you can tolerate me for a moment. I know you left me because I hurt you, but you have nothing to fear. I won't hurt you again, ever."

I'm in awe when I look back at him.

"I didn't leave because you hurt me, my Lord. I left because I hurt us both. I had to go because of what I did to you. Because of what I had become."

Doesn't he understand how much I loved and worshipped him? How much I still love him?

Before he answers to me we arrive to his apartment. We step in and I look around. He has obviously bought it furnished. It is a huge apartment, especially for one person. Two floors, a balcony with a landing pad. Very elegant and definitely to my taste. It must have cost him a small fortune. And this is the first time he is using it? Did he... Was he thinking of me too when he bought it a year ago?

I sit down on the couch because what else can I really do? I'm stuck here with him, fighting with my chaotic emotions and trying to keep them under control. I have no clue why he wants to speak with me. Maybe he still wants to kill me? But then, he could have done it at my work place, no need to come here. The janitors would have gotten rid of my body. My boss would have cursed the damnable Sith and their bad temper and found a replacement for me. No need to bring me here to be killed.

He is sitting next to me. I pay attention to the power radiating from him, it feels different from before. It is...softer. Protective. Before his power felt like needles in my skin, we all had to learn to live with the fact that his power made us feel uncomfortable. You were lucky if you weren't one of those who got nauseated. But now...his power makes me feel secure. My muscles begin to relax and the tight knot in my stomach loosens up.

He looks at me and there is so much sadness in his eyes. So much longing. I feel how tears are filling my eyes and I desperately try to blink them away. I can't let my feelings make me to do something I will regret again. There is enough regret in my life already.

"Malavai...please come back. Come back to me, I love you and I need you. We all need you." His voice is steady. He doesn't beg or demand, he gives me an option.

I'm totally caught off my guard.

"My Lord...there is no reset-button. We can't just continue like nothing happened. I can't live in a lie. Do you really understand what you are asking from me, and from yourself too?"

"Please, call me Marne. At least when there are only two of us."

"Excuse me, who are you and what have you done to the Emperor's Wrath?"

My shock is making him chuckle. I have never been nothing else than formal with him, even in bed I called him "my Lord." It was given. We were never equals.

He takes my hands in his. He is concentrating in what he wants to say to me. He is so deep in his thoughts I don't believe he has noticed how he has lifted my fingers to his lips, and is gently kissing them. Then he finally speaks:

"I understand what I'm asking from you. I have missed you so much. I've been a pain in the arse for everyone since you left. Last week Vette came to me with the address of your work place and said...well, all kinds of things. "Coward" was one of them. I think the "man-child" was especially telling. But yes, I know what I'm asking from you. I'm not expecting a clean slate. I believe we can go through this, together. If you still love me too."

He sighs, closing his eyes, giving my fingers another kiss. Then he continues, and I can see it is not easy for him to say what he is saying next:

"I was so selfish and spoiled that you couldn't trust me with your secret and your worries. It is my own damn fault. If I would've been worthy of your trust, you would've told me everything before things went to hell, now wouldn't you? I thought only about myself and my enjoyment, and you knew it. You were scared and you couldn't count on me to help you. I'm sorry Mal, I'm so, so sorry you had to go through it all alone, while I was taking advantage of your good and loyal heart. I was never there for you, not really. I took you for granted. I even treated you badly. Can you still forgive me?"

My decision to stay firm crumbles. I'm already crying and all the feelings I have kept inside me for years are flooding over me. The fear, the guilt, the shame of my actions. The anger. My love for him. All I can do is tremble and cry.

He holds me tight. I press my face on his chest and I cry like a child. His gentle hand is on my back, stroking it. The power radiating from him surrounds me like a warm sunshine. First time I feel like...he really cares about me.

Finally the storm inside me passes and I can speak. I lift my face from his chest, looking at those bright, yellow eyes.

"I'm not the Captain Quinn you knew anymore. I'm just Malavai Quinn now. I like my not-so-important job. I do it well and I'm valued for it. My life is quiet and peaceful, and it is my own. I will never be your Captain again. But I can be your partner... if you still want me. I can follow you and work with you, but I do it because I want to, not because it is expected from me. I don't serve you or the Emperor. _You have to take me as I am now_. And I do love you." I tell him.

His hold in me tightens and I can feel his breath on my neck. My speech turns into mumble when I hide my face in his chest again.

"If...you really want to work things out, if you really want to make this work between us, then I will come back. But it means talking about unpleasant things. Things we both perhaps wanted just to forget. If we don't do it, they will stay there and fester."

"I know, Malavai, I know. But it is worth it. As long as there is love between us, we have hope."

He dries my tears with his fingers. Then he kisses me and oh my God, I had forgotten how good it feels. I rest my head on his shoulder. I'm tired from all the crying and emotional upheaval. At the same time I'm so happy I could burst. I don't have to spend the rest of my life without him, without the person I love. Maybe I can finally forgive myself too. Maybe there is nothing to forgive, in the end, we are all imperfect beings.

I'm sure there will be difficult times ahead of us. He has to learn to treat me as his partner. I have to learn to stand for myself. It is scary, but exiting too. If we succeed...who knows, maybe we can really make this work out? The most important thing is – now I trust myself. Trusting him will follow.


End file.
